Okay, I'll admit it. I thought I looked good. I was wearing my new outfit to church -- brown pants and a burnt-orange jacket, with a sparkly shirt underneath. Even my earrings and necklace were picked out the night before and perfectly coordinated. I set out a pair of shoes with a little bit of heel -- not too much, but just enough to be a little dressy.
Everything seemed fine, until I was walking from my Sunday school room to the sanctuary. I noticed that one foot seemed to be dragging a little. How strange, I thought, but just then the music started up, and I got into it and forgot about my shoe.
Until I sat down for the sermon. I looked down and realized that the sole of my shoe had come unglued, except for about two inches at the toe. Great. Here I am thinking I've got it all pulled together, and there's my shoe flapping in the wind. From the surface, my shoe looked fine. Underneath, it was on the verge of disintegrating. What if I had gone forward during the invitation to kneel at the altar, and everyone had seen my loose sole? What if I had been walking back to my seat, and it had come all the way unglued, and had just laid there in the middle of the aisle for everyone to see? Oh, the humiliation!
Isn't that how we live our lives, though? On the surface we carry this facade that everything is great and we've got life completely under control. We live in fear that people will find out that underneath the surface, where no one can see, our souls are broken. Show our weaknesses? No way! Admit that we're falling apart? Not a chance! Just smile and stay calm. Don't let them in, or they'll know just what a screw-up we really are.
What a way to live. What an isolated, exhausting way to live. And I admit, I'm one of the worst. Just this morning in Sunday school, a woman who has become a close friend in the past few months admitted that when we first met, she wasn't sure she liked me. She said I seemed so calm and so together, she didn't think we could possibly have anything in common. I wanted to turn around and see if she was talking about someone behind me, because that's not me at all. I'm not calm, even though I strive to be, and I definitely don't have it all together. I didn't realize it, but by trying so hard to look as if my life were perfect, I had created a facade that people couldn't or wouldn't penetrate.
Just in the past few months, I have begun to open up. I've always been a good listener, but that was partially to keep the conversation focused on the other person and not on me. Now, little by little, I've begun to reveal the parts of me that I've always tried to hide -- the insecurities, the brokenness, the things in my life that keep me awake at night and make me feel unworthy and unlovable. And as I've shared these things with people, something amazing has started to happen -- no one has turned away. No one has abandoned me. Instead, I've found friendships on a deep level that I never even knew existed. As I've opened up, so have they. All the tears that I held in for so long flow freely now, and I let them. My laughter is genuine. My words are sincere, because I'm less concerned about how they make me sound, and more concerned that they somehow comfort or enrich the person hearing them.
Sure, opening up is a risk. Being vulnerable makes you feel . . . well, vulnerable. And let's face it: Not everyone out there can be trusted with your emotions and your secrets. That's where God's guidance and your own instincts must be followed. But when you finally throw caution to the winds and let people into your heart, the rewards are immeasurable.
So what if your shoe breaks? Kick off your shoes and dance in the rain. If you wear earrings that don't match, say it's the latest fashion trend from Paris. If you get spinach stuck between your front teeth, smile broadly at everyone sitting around you. Just be yourself, warts and all. Relationships with people who accept us as we are will sustain us long after the storms have swept away our facades.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Dodging Butterflies
Many years ago, I took a trip back to the Smoky Mountains, where I grew up. Although I was with a group of people, I had wandered a distance away and made my way down to the water's edge. Except for the water pushing its way over the rocks and flowing downstream, there was no sound -- just me and nature. A young girl, maybe nine or ten years old, also wandered down close to where I sat, but other than wondering briefly if her parents were keeping an eye on her, I didn't pay much attention to her.
Then I saw it: Just a few feet away, a large, flat rock was completely covered with monarch butterflies. There must have been at least fifty of them, quietly sitting on the rock's surface, their wings gently opening and closing. I've learned since then that such a gathering is known as a "bachelor's watering hole." Monarch butterflies, as they migrate, will find a place to rest and replenish before continuing their journey. I'd never seen such a sight before, and it took my breath away.
While I was watching the butterflies, the young girl noticed them and came closer. I said something like, "Aren't they pretty?" She looked at them for a second, and then before I could react, she picked up a flat rock and slammed it down on top of the butterflies. I sat there speechless, not knowing what to say. She left the rock where it was, turned and smiled at me, and then climbed up the bank and disappeared.
It's been probably thirty years, and I've never forgotten the experience. I think it's because I can't understand why she did it. Why would someone deliberately destroy something so beautiful and so innocent?
Unfortunately, the answer comes back: Why not? We don't live in a perfect world. Innocence doesn't last long, often not even through childhood. Maybe that little girl wanted to hurt something because she had already been hurt herself. Maybe she didn't understand what she was doing. That's my hope: that her actions came out of ignorance, not out of vengeance or some overwhelming need for power, because someone had taken hers away.
Sometimes, when I'm sitting in the quiet, enjoying the sight and sounds of nature, I'll see a butterfly float by. I'll wonder if that child remembers what she did. If she does, does she regret it? I'll never know. Could I have stopped her from destroying those butterflies? Probably not. It happened so fast. But I can choose not to make the same kind of decision. I can choose not to use careless words that crush someone's self esteem. I can choose not to turn away from someone who is reaching out. I can choose to protect the things I hold dear. I want to think -- no, I need to think -- that what I do matters.
A principal at an impoverished elementary school in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains makes sure that his students develop an appreciation for life. Seedlings in plastic cups line the windowsills of the dingy classrooms. Cocoons are watched eagerly for the first signs of life. Gerbils are stroked carefully by little hands. The principal prays that they will always be amazed by the works of God, no matter how small. After doing a tour of duty in Viet Nam, he’ll never take a sunrise, a rainbow, or a friendly smile for granted again. He even reluctantly admits that he dodges butterflies in the road.
For every person who can walk by a homeless man on the sidewalk, there are others who operate a shelter where the man can find heat, food, and a safe place to lay his head. For every company ready to cut off a family's insurance because the cost has become too high, there are people who bake cupcakes, wash cars, and dig into their own pockets to help a child fighting cancer. And for every person who can callously destroy a butterfly, there is someone else who will go out of his way to protect it.
Then I saw it: Just a few feet away, a large, flat rock was completely covered with monarch butterflies. There must have been at least fifty of them, quietly sitting on the rock's surface, their wings gently opening and closing. I've learned since then that such a gathering is known as a "bachelor's watering hole." Monarch butterflies, as they migrate, will find a place to rest and replenish before continuing their journey. I'd never seen such a sight before, and it took my breath away.
While I was watching the butterflies, the young girl noticed them and came closer. I said something like, "Aren't they pretty?" She looked at them for a second, and then before I could react, she picked up a flat rock and slammed it down on top of the butterflies. I sat there speechless, not knowing what to say. She left the rock where it was, turned and smiled at me, and then climbed up the bank and disappeared.
It's been probably thirty years, and I've never forgotten the experience. I think it's because I can't understand why she did it. Why would someone deliberately destroy something so beautiful and so innocent?
Unfortunately, the answer comes back: Why not? We don't live in a perfect world. Innocence doesn't last long, often not even through childhood. Maybe that little girl wanted to hurt something because she had already been hurt herself. Maybe she didn't understand what she was doing. That's my hope: that her actions came out of ignorance, not out of vengeance or some overwhelming need for power, because someone had taken hers away.
Sometimes, when I'm sitting in the quiet, enjoying the sight and sounds of nature, I'll see a butterfly float by. I'll wonder if that child remembers what she did. If she does, does she regret it? I'll never know. Could I have stopped her from destroying those butterflies? Probably not. It happened so fast. But I can choose not to make the same kind of decision. I can choose not to use careless words that crush someone's self esteem. I can choose not to turn away from someone who is reaching out. I can choose to protect the things I hold dear. I want to think -- no, I need to think -- that what I do matters.
A principal at an impoverished elementary school in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains makes sure that his students develop an appreciation for life. Seedlings in plastic cups line the windowsills of the dingy classrooms. Cocoons are watched eagerly for the first signs of life. Gerbils are stroked carefully by little hands. The principal prays that they will always be amazed by the works of God, no matter how small. After doing a tour of duty in Viet Nam, he’ll never take a sunrise, a rainbow, or a friendly smile for granted again. He even reluctantly admits that he dodges butterflies in the road.
For every person who can walk by a homeless man on the sidewalk, there are others who operate a shelter where the man can find heat, food, and a safe place to lay his head. For every company ready to cut off a family's insurance because the cost has become too high, there are people who bake cupcakes, wash cars, and dig into their own pockets to help a child fighting cancer. And for every person who can callously destroy a butterfly, there is someone else who will go out of his way to protect it.
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